The Bitter Experience

A Bitter Experience

So as it turns out today I completely blew my Business Calculus Exam. I was completely taken by surprise on the exam and the pace at which we were supposed to take it.

When I began taking it I thought I was on a roll and that I was going to walk through the exam with ease. Then the exam began to tighten its grip like a snake curling around my neck and as I worked through the problem it kept getting tighter and tighter. I started to feel the pressure because the exam began throwing many curveballs at me and although I understood the material, I knew it would take me time to come up with the formulas I needed to solve the problems. Time became my worst enemy because I realized that the seconds kept on going and there was no way to stop time or save myself. I started to panic when I saw much time had passed and when I heard the professor say “five minutes left”

At that point I knew I wasn’t going to survive this exam and I felt hopeless and shattered.

When she collected the exams I felt in shock and in disbelieve. I kept thinking that it was all a nightmare and that I would wake up any second to the smell of coffee like I always do. Unfortunately I didn’t . The reality is that I didn’t finish the exam. I barely finished half if anything.  

I immediately felt anger at myself and I began to think at how many people I might have let down. I thought about the wedding rings that my mother gave up so I can go to school and I thought about the confidence my family and a close friend had in me. I thought about the sacrifices and the hopes of not just myself, but of everyone who engraved a piece of them in me.

As I was taking the bus home, when I began to recognize old patters within myself. I stepped back within my consciousness and realized that I was starting to attack myself and that I was becoming my own enemy. Then somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered my old mentor ‘s words “here’s the world’s smallest violin, let me play you a sad song for your o so miserable self ‘mee-mee-mee’”

It was then that I felt as if another familiar presence inside me was telling me “you screwed up, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don’t you DO something about it” and that’s when I snapped. I stopped looking at myself as a target and I began to plan a different plan of attack for the calculus class. I thought about alternatives and possibilities and I took this bitter experience as a way of knowing what I can expect for the rest of the class. I remember climbing out of the same hole before and I will reach for the stars yet again. After all, “A true test of character is how you deal with life when things are looking down rather than going well.” J.B …… I’ll add that to my list of things to remember when I find myself in a difficult position.

Thank you to all of you who support me and believe in me. Now it’s time to hit the books.